if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize