sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
