I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
My ass is underappreciated
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
