went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
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