It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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