It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
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