separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
