question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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