I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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