Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
