he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
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