I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize
