Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Randomize
