you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
