somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
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