I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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