dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
