i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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