What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Randomize
