my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
where am i from again
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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