My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
