Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
