my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
