Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
