does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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