Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
