it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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