I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
