I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize