I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
