Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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