i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
