im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
