Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
