Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
you didnt know i had herpes?
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
