Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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