A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
I wanna passion pit in your ass
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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