I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
