dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Randomize
