pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
