ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Randomize
