Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
i already hear my dad disowning me
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Randomize
