life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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