if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize