neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
