google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
i think i have two assholes
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
