I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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