He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
