Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
