We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
He is an equal opportunity slut.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Drunk is a universal language darling
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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