I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
