If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Everclear isn't food dammit
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Randomize
