She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Randomize
