Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
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