addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize