Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Randomize
