i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
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