So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Randomize
