if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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