Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
