I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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